You know when you are in a verbal jousting match and the other guy
just zings you one and you just sort of stand there drooling and by the
time you think of what you want to say for your part of the riposte the
other guy has already gone home and got videos from Blockbuster and
everything?
I feel like that all the time.
So I decided to write all my notes out in advance. That way, I'll be
ready with my smart aleck remark next time someone picks on me for
using Macs. Since I'm compelled to write down all the useless things I
think of in reverse relevance order, you get to benefit from the Lite
Side's
Smart Alec Remarks in Response to Snide PC User Comments
PCU: "I thought Mac went out of business/is going out of
business/was bought by Microsoft."
You: "That means I can get a spankin' G5 at fire sale prices! See
ya!"
or: "I'd rather have a ten-year-old Mac than a brand spankin' new
virus magnet!"
or: "Microsoft's research and development department just came out
with this new thing called an iPod. Heard of it?"
or: "You think Bill's going to let his best defense wither on the
vine and die?"
or: "Resistance is not futile; it's just inconvenient from time to
time."
PCU: "There's no software for the Mac."
You: "In the time it took you to say that I wrote a spreadsheet,
created a chart, inserted it into a presentation program, emailed the
program to my boss, and applied for a job at a major software company.
Pretty good considering I didn't even use software in the process."
or: "We don't call it software. It's just part of the system."
or: "You forgot the words crappy and lame. Try again."
or: "You meant to say, 'There's no software for the Mac in the
Walmart tumble bin,' didn't you?"
or: "Try to control your explosive flatulence so I can hear what
comes out of your mouth and say that again."*
- *Okay, that was cheap; I admit it. If I can't make you bust a gut
laughing, then I'll settle for a chuckle. If you don't chuckle, then
I'll go for a slightly twitchy sneer that no one else sees because you
carefully avoid doing it in public.
PCU: "Macs are so expensive."
You: "So are houses, but luckily each one lasts for a long
time."
or: "Dells are expensive, too, except you don't pay for it all at
once."
or: "Well, it's nice to be independently wealthy. You get all the
best toys."
or: "I don't buy cheap wine either."
PCU: "I hate Macs."
You: "Take some advice and never travel to Ireland."
or: "What have you got against Media Access Control?"
or: "They're okay if you leave off the special sauce."
or: "Why hate whole categories of computers when there's so much to
hate on an individual basis?"
PCU: "Macs are toy computers."
You: "Your point being?"
or: "And the PC, being the most popular gaming computer, is what
again?"
or: "For me, working on a Mac is like child's play compared to a PC,
so it's appropriate."
or: "If this is your way of asking if you can play with my toys,
it's not working."
PCU: "The Mac is all marketing hype and pretty boxes. There's no
substance."
You: "Four out of five dentists disagree."
or: "I try not to be influenced by any form of advertising
whatsoever. Lucky for me, popup ads are blocked by Safari."
or: "Did you know that statement is all marketing hype, too?"
or: "There's something to be said for pretty boxes. When I find
someone who can follow an chain of logic, I'll tell them what it
is."
or: "My mother was a marketing executive. You got a problem with
that?"
PCU: "The Mac isn't compatible."
You: "And that's a gooood thing."
or: "Neither is an 8-track tape compatible with a cassette player.
It doesn't matter if you're burning CDs."
or: "Monopolists stifle innovation. I don't want to be
compatible."
or: "When I filled out the computer dating form, I didn't write 'SWM
seeks illegal exceptions.'"
PCU: "Only like 5% of computers are Macs."
You: "Only 5% of current sales are Macs. The percentage is higher if
you count functioning and useful computers, and even higher if you
count non-lame computers."
or: "Ah, but it's the best 5%."
or: "Funny how 5% of the computers in a company provide 20% of the
ROI." to which the PCU says: "Where'd you get that 20% figure?" and you
reply: "The same place you got that 5% number."
or: "If only 5% of my computer is going to be a Mac, I'll settle for
the CPU and the OS. You can have the rest."
PCU: "Why do you use a Mac?"
You: "When the clue train stopped, I got on."
