I have just finished sorting through over 300 resumes we
received in response to an ad we placed for a Network
Administrator. The Web is full of sites that give you helpful
advice for getting the job of your dreams. However, we give you
pointers you won't find just anywhere. Here, in a Low End Mac exclusive, is our advice on how
to ensure that you do not get the job of your dreams (or any
job for that matter).
1 It is now commonplace to offer
email as a method of applying for a job, therefore you should be as
creative as possible in selecting your email address and give no
thought whatsoever to the impression it may create with a potential
employer, to wit:
- gigolo@domain.com
- IBFreakin@domain.com
- 2hot4u@domain.com
- SleazyLisa@domain.com
- hottie@domain.com
- HireMePlease@domain.com
- IneedAjob@domain.com
- DrinkMoreBeer@domain.com
- Joe6Pack@domain.com
- Dude@domain.com
- SleepyHead@domain.com [I assumed he was looking for something
on the 2nd shift]
- AerosmithRocks@domain.com
- CaptainPicard@domain.com [Captains Kirk and Janeway applied as
well]
The domain names have been changed (to "@domain.com") to protect
the guilty, but the rest of each address comes to you courtesy of
real-life job seekers (all of whom are still seeking jobs, by the
way). I am not nearly creative enough to make some of those up. As
an employer, I can say that we are always impressed with those
serious technology professionals who have an email address at the
coveted "hotmail.com" domain.
If you recognize your handle in the list above, we have already
filled our position - and it wasn't with you, dude.
2 Your email program has an
options or preferences section where you can enter your name. The
name you enter here shows up in the "from" field in your
recipients' inbox. If you do not enter any information in this
section, most email programs default to displaying just your email
address in the "from" field. When applying for a high-level
position in the Information Technology field, it is important to
leave these fields empty, thereby demonstrating to your potential
employer that you are far too busy to be bothered with such mundane
matters as properly configuring your own email program.
3 Spell check is only for
computer newbies, and only total idiots would actually use such an
elementary tool on their own resume.
4 When creating documents, such
as a resume, in AppleWorks or Microsoft Word, features such as
tables, flush right and center are helpful in keeping columns of
text properly aligned. However, only low-level drones such as
secretaries use these features. Prospective Information Technology
professionals line up their text using the space bar.
5 If you spent seven years
working as a contractor, you should not list this period of
employment on your resume in the following manner:
1995-2002: IT Contractor with XYZ Consultants
Instead, you should separately list each company to which you
were contracted, making it appear that you had 17 different jobs
during this period and stayed at none of them longer than six
months. That way, you will seem to have a wealth of experience in a
multitude of different environments.
6 If you do not even remotely
meet the education and experience requirements for the position,
you should include a cover letter explaining to the hiring manager
in painful detail exactly why the position advertised does not in
fact require any of the skills listed and expressing surprise that
the manager was so stupid as to believe it did.
7 Be sure to list all degrees
received from unaccredited colleges and diploma mills, with the
name of the "college" prominently displayed. No one at the employer
is likely to know the difference. But then there is the possibility
that the IT Director is also an attorney, was once a college
administrator, served on a task force charged with tracking down
and prosecuting the proprietors of such institutions, and
recognizes your Alma Mater in a way not entirely beneficial to your
candidacy for the position. Nah, what are the chances that would
ever happen.
Oh, and on a personal note to "PhD@domain.com," the word is
spelled "Doctorate," not "Doctrate."
8 Lie. Everybody does it; no one
ever gets caught. Chances are slim that anyone will take out pencil
and paper, do some date calculations, and figure out that when you
were a Senior Engineer allegedly designing chips at Motorola, you
were 14 years old.
9 Lie (Part II). And be bold
about it. The person looking at your resume and cover letter will
probably be a management type desk jockey who doesn't know Apple
from Oracle. They will be duly impressed that you received your
MCSE in Windows NT4 and Solaris. So will Scott McNealy.
10 Finally, you should
demonstrate your vast knowledge and experience by criticizing
technology with which you have only a passing acquaintance. For
instance, you should praise Microsoft Windows as being a far
superior network platform to Novell NetWare, even chastising those
who use something that has been around for "over 20 years." Explain
how, with your vast experience with Microsoft products, you will
rescue the company from inferior technology.
Then, you should go back to playing with your Xbox as soon as
you click the "Send" button that will transmit your resume and
cover letter to the person whom you are certain will be your new
employer. You know, the employer with the address that ends with
"@myrealbox.com" [the free email service provided by Novell].
Further Reading
